Life After…Go figure

A Narrative of Life Outside The Box

Laura’s List

This was inspired by Skippy’s List, at, and Sergeant Johnson’s Retirement List at And yes, I DO still have a long way to go before I rack up 213 things that I cannot do as an aspiring minister/in public.

Laura WILL NOT be the first ministerial aspirant at ___Divinity school to advocate a new rite of Exorcism directed at willful idiocy.

Laura will not tell conservative Christians that the Druid ritual circle opening incorporates any of the following:

1. “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world” solo dance number, in a deserted cemetery after midnight.

2. Cherry Bombs

3. Playing the Watergate tapes backward for Dark Inspiration

4. Sequined robes.

Laura will not suggest that Jesus would have destroyed the moneylenders’ stalls in the temple while signing “Poker Face” if only he and Lady Gaga had met.

Laura will not remark “You know, for religions that claim they’re so civilized as opposed to us flaky hippy druids and UU’s, you guys spend an AWFUL lot of time ignoring SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY and HISTORY.” To ANYBODY supporting those religious beliefs.

Laura is never allowed to raise up her Druid Staff and shout “Say HELLO TO MA LEETLE FRIEN’! ”

Laura is not allowed to call any building at ____Divinity school Castle Greyskull.

Laura is not allowed to quote comic book experts who have pointed out that Superman is Moses in tights with better hair and less sex (or more, depending on the Comic ‘verse).

Laura will not, while talking with peace activists, particularly if they are over 75, expound on her love for 18th century firearms, 15 century bows or 11th century swords OR her interest in learning to hunt.

Laura will not tell the Youth Group that caltrops have been lowering blood pressure and raising smiles west of the Rhine since 450 AD.

Laura will not fight for multicultural recognition by pointing out that the the Japanese invented hand grenades in the 13th century. (Even though they did, and it was awesome.)

Laura will not comment that old Anglo Saxon prose works are like reading hardened snot when Youth Group members discuss their literature assignments..

Laura will not tell the ANY  Youth Group that she is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Laura will not use the phrase “Druid Kungfu” excessively (more than once per year). Otherwise, her Kungfu will fail to be stronger than anyone else’s Kungfu.

Laura will not describe the male cast of any of her favorite TV shows as ‘Sex on a Stick’ in public.

Laura is no longer allowed to make remarks about the following in committee meetings: Smack, blow, weed, strippers, chippendales, the Horde of Ghengis Khan, fruit loops, or the demonic origins of HR. She knows she’s kidding about all of them (except for HR). Given her usual state of play, everyone else may have doubts about which ones.

Laura should probably not remind people that she learned what Methadone was when she was five.

Laura will not disclose the list of objects, people, or ideals that should be left unconscious/unattended in the central lane of the interstate during rush hour.

Laura  is a magnet for religious crazies. Regardless, Laura will not engage in long public debates with said crazies (no matter how interesting) unless she has (A) brushed her hair, (B) put on clothes that do not make her look like she escaped from the Salvation Army surplus, or the Russian Peasant Revolt so that LESS people will assume that SHE is the religious crazzy’s NEIGHBOR.

Laura will not tell the Senior Youth Group Adviser–Laura’s direct superior–“Oh yeah, next YG meeting’s all set, _______ and I are running the asylum.”

Laura will not paraphrase John Milton using words like “dude” “bro” “mondo” or “nutzoid”–UNLESS she is discussing english lit assignments with the a Youth Group.

Laura will not register any of her innate disgust frustration with protestant theologians who have never read anything by John Milton.

Laura will not attend chapel in tee shirts featuring flammability, entrails,  Dr Who or “HellomynameisInigoMontoyayoukilledmyfatherpreparetodie.”


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