Things I Can Never Say From the Pulpit
1. The obvious, if beloved four-letter words.
2. I cannot point out that Jael killing the dude with a tent pole may be the first sex-toy fatality in scripture (death by pegging).
3. I also cannot point out that Deborah was 1 million percent done with everyone’s Sh—t. Especially because it was probably true.
4. I probably should not talk about the Witch of Endor summoning the prophet Samuel’s spirit–specifically because I always imagine that he appeared as an old guy with a cane shouting “Damn you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!”
5. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing we call…life”*
6. “I have come here to chew Bubble Gum and Kick Ass. And I am all Out of Bubble Gum.” (John Carpenter)
7. Attributing statement 6 to ANY identity in theology, scripture or the history of social justice.**
8. “Does God sit on the toilet?”
9. “Holy Moses!”
10. “Come on, guys ZOMBIES ARE PEOPLE TOO, DAMMIT”***
11. “The next Congregant that I see littering can volunteer to test the 18th century lightening rod on our 19th century church.”
12. “Let me explain to you all a thing”
13. “To tell you all the truth, I think that particular denomination is_______”
14. “In the end, the differences in Religious belief and practice and how those spread through populations around the world all come down to SECTS”
15. In order to teach you all the flaws in Reverend Forrest Church’s ideas on the “all loving mother goddess” we will be holding an authentic Iron Age ritual TO said mother goddess. Bring raincoats and 40 pounds of raw kidney.” ****
16. Any AC/DC Lyrics. Ever.
* Prince/Artist formerly known as Prince “Let’s go Crazy”
** Because really how could that EVER go wrong?
*** I’m not even going to elaborate on biblical figures this could relate to for fairly obvious reasons.
**** Forrest Church “Cathedral of the World” 2009.