Life After…Go figure

A Narrative of Life Outside The Box

More Stuff I Can’t Say In a Pulpit (or anywhere on site)

1. “Here: hold my dignity…I’ve got some sketchy shit to do.” *

2. (During the Annual Meeting) “Mawage…that dweem within a dweem…And WUUFV. Twuuu wuuufv.” **

3. “So today I’m gonna show you all how to petition the ancient Romano British God of Bowel disorders.”

4. “You guys ever stop and think that less than two centuries ago, people who went to churches like this thought that people with Irish last names like me were semi-human troglodytes who would run off with all your valuables, booze and women? and now you’ve got me called at your pulpit? INTERFAITH IS DOPE, AMMIRITE?”

5. “Ok, people, listen up! This time, once, JUST ONCE we are gonna be at the sit-in protest BEFORE the Quakers get there.”

6. singing any of the following: ***

a. “Aaand shee’s CLIMBING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN”

b. “DAAAAAAAAYYY—O! ME SAY DAAAAAAAYO! DAYLIGHT COME, PREACHER WAN’ GO HOME.”

c. “I was runnin’ down the road tryin’ to loosen my load; I got seven women on my mind…four that wanna own me two that wannna stone me; one says she’s a friend of mine…”

7. “So yesterday was Halloween. AND GOZER STILL DIDN’T APPEAR IN MY FRIDGE. (Sobb. Sniffle) The sermon today is titled: “Learning to embrace disappointment.”

8. “A Minister is never late. She arrives precisely when she means to.”

9. A sermon entitled “{after defining fan-fic} Why the Gospels are Fan-Fic.”

10. “Instead of preaching, I am going to lead a dance and air-guitar session. Any congregant under 80 and in good health who does NOT join in can do all our fundraising cold-calls  for the next 10 years.”

11. “So d’you all think God looks like Kenny Rogers? or more like James Brown? I vote for Oprah.”

12. a sermon entitled “The seven principles might be overstating it a bit: just don’t be a dick, ok, people?”

13. “I would like to remind parents that unaccompanied children will be issued a water pistol full of grape juice and an espresso.”

14. “As Unitarian Universalists, shouldn’t we be trying to explore interfaith networking around, well, the Universe? You know, with aliens?”

15. “I have fifteen socks and only seven of them match. I just wanted to share that with you all.”

*Random facebook quote for which I cannot claim credit

** “The Princess Bride” film, directed by Rob Reiner, quoted at the suggestion of Mrs. A. Camargo

***  1.”Stairway to Heaven” Led Zepplin, 1971″

2. “Banana Boat Song (Day-O)” Harry Belafonte 1951

3. “Take it Easy,” The Eagles

 

****The original idea for lists of this nature comes from the brilliant-five-alarm-screaming-laughter-inducing Skippy’s list: http://www.skippyslist.com, although Skippy has a much more interesting career and list of things he’s not allowed to do….

 

 

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4 thoughts on “More Stuff I Can’t Say In a Pulpit (or anywhere on site)

  1. I wonder if I can pull off #8. It sure would come in handy. I think my congregation is geeky enough that if I can’t quite attain the Gandalfian level of self-assurance needed to get away with it, at least they will get the reference and laugh.

  2. I would only consider #12 on Wil Wheaton’s birthday, aka Don’t Be a Dick Day… 🙂

  3. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know some congregations where #9 would go over just fine.

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