Other things I can’t say at the pulpit
1.”A recent study suggests that people who swear often are more honest than people who don’t. Congratulations, peeps, y’all got the most. Honest. Minister. In. History.”
2. “Son you need to follow the dictates of your conscience and the inner spirit. But, since you came to me for advice about this funky little pamphlet that the nice young men in cheap black suits offered you? Yeah. It’s got more crazy than a sackfull of cats.”
3. “I am Laura of Asgard and I am burdened with a glorious purpose.”
4. “Say my name. Say. My. Name. SAY MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *
5. “Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the claws that bite….the jaws that snatch. Abjure…the jub-jub bird. And SHUN the Frumious Bandersnatch!!” **
6. “No I am entirely unaware that somebody wrote “OUR Minister can Beat up YOUR PRIEST” in the snow directly in front of the church in eight foot high letters.”
7. “After reviewing all of your contributions to the annual auction I have decided that no other recourse is open to me but to lock the sanctuary doors immediately and release the flying monkeys.”
8. The 11th commandment is, in fact “Thou shalt not mess with little old ladies, regardless of creed, ethnicity or geographic location.” Moses just never got to pass it on because his grandmother always needed him to come and reach the casserole dish off a high shelf.
9. “Due to congregational generosity, I will be studying Aramaic this year. My goal is to be able to say “So long, and thanks for all the fish” to you all by Towel Day, May 26. God bless Douglas Adams.” ***
10. “Cannabis Brownies are not appropriate for the bake sale. Even if you call the recipe ‘Universal Salvation.” In fact, ESPECIALLY if you call the recipe that.”
*Tom Hiddleston/Loki “Marvel’s Avengers” Joss Whedon director.
** “Jabberwocky” Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland: through the Looking Glass.” http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171647
*** “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” Douglas Adams