Life After…Go figure

A Narrative of Life Outside The Box

Archive for the category “Puns”

Other things I can’t say at the pulpit

1.”A recent study suggests that people who swear often are more honest than people who don’t. Congratulations, peeps, y’all got the most. Honest. Minister. In. History.”

2. “Son you need to follow the dictates of your conscience and the inner spirit. But, since you came to me for advice about this funky little pamphlet that the nice young men in cheap black suits offered you? Yeah. It’s got more crazy than a sackfull of cats.”

3. “I am Laura of Asgard and I am burdened with a glorious purpose.”

4. “Say my name. Say. My. Name. SAY MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” *

5. “Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the claws that bite….the jaws that snatch. Abjure…the jub-jub bird. And SHUN the Frumious Bandersnatch!!” **

6. “No I am entirely unaware that somebody wrote “OUR Minister can Beat up YOUR PRIEST” in the snow directly in front of the church in eight foot high letters.”

7. “After reviewing all of your contributions to the annual auction I have decided that no other recourse is open to me but to lock the sanctuary doors immediately and release the flying monkeys.”

8. The 11th commandment is, in fact “Thou shalt not mess with little old ladies, regardless of creed, ethnicity or geographic location.” Moses just never got to pass it on because his grandmother always needed him to come and reach the casserole dish off a high shelf.

9. “Due to congregational generosity, I will be studying Aramaic this year. My goal is to be able to say “So long, and thanks for all the fish” to you all by  Towel Day, May 26. God bless Douglas Adams.” ***

10. “Cannabis Brownies are not appropriate for the bake sale. Even if you call the recipe ‘Universal Salvation.” In fact, ESPECIALLY if you call the recipe that.”

 

*Tom Hiddleston/Loki “Marvel’s Avengers” Joss Whedon director.

** “Jabberwocky” Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland: through the Looking Glass.” http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171647

*** “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” Douglas Adams

 

 

Things I Can Never Say From the Pulpit

1. The obvious, if beloved four-letter words.

2. I cannot point out that Jael killing the dude with a tent pole may be the first sex-toy fatality in scripture (death by pegging).

3. I also cannot point out that Deborah was 1 million percent done with everyone’s Sh—t. Especially because it was probably true.

4. I probably should not talk about the Witch of Endor summoning the prophet Samuel’s spirit–specifically because I always imagine that he appeared as an old guy with a cane shouting “Damn you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!”

5. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing we call…life”*

6. “I have come here to chew Bubble Gum and Kick Ass. And I am all Out of Bubble Gum.” (John Carpenter)

7. Attributing statement 6 to ANY identity in theology, scripture or the history of social justice.**

8. “Does God sit on the toilet?”

9. “Holy Moses!”

10. “Come on, guys ZOMBIES ARE PEOPLE TOO, DAMMIT”***

11. “The next Congregant that I see littering can volunteer to test the 18th century lightening rod on our 19th century church.”

12. “Let me explain to you all a thing”

13. “To tell you all the truth, I think that particular denomination is_______”

14. “In the end, the differences in Religious belief and practice and how those spread through populations around the world all come down to SECTS”

15. In order to teach you all the flaws in Reverend Forrest Church’s ideas on the “all loving mother goddess” we will be holding an authentic Iron Age ritual TO said mother goddess. Bring raincoats and 40 pounds of raw kidney.” ****

16. Any AC/DC Lyrics. Ever.

 

* Prince/Artist formerly known as Prince “Let’s go Crazy”

** Because really how could that EVER go wrong?

*** I’m not even going to elaborate on biblical figures this could relate to for fairly obvious reasons.

**** Forrest Church “Cathedral of the World” 2009.

 

 

“Wait, a Truckload of WHAT?”

Steve and I did a fair amount of car travel, because the trolley museum he served on the board of is in Connecticut. He was their Archivist. I’d ride down to meetings with him once a month because it was a great excuse to spend a chunk of time together and have a picnic in the country. (Although an un-heated trolley barn in CT in January is a powerful motivation to re-read Dante and be grateful I’m not THERE).

So frequently, we’d encounter trucks from the Houey transport company.

That’s really it; I can’t do much better on this post but reminisce about how often my husband and I were passed by a big pile of Houey…

Even though it’s been years since the last time this happened, the memory of it can cause me to break into hysterical giggles.

Take care, Steve. See you again someday, I hope.

What did the nymphomaniac say to the man with the toe fettish after six unsuccesful atempts at sexual hijinks?

“I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

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