More things I can’t say in a sermon + the Ten-ISH (ok 20) Commandments as I wish I could discover and distribute them
Well. first of there would be more of them. so TenISH. Ok, more like 20. WHATEVER.
Preamble: Spoken by Whoever. I exist. I’m holy for you, I’m holy for the universe and all existence which means I’m holy for living beings DIFFERENT from you. You will now stop and think about that every time you read or hear read these ten-ISH commandments.
Worship whoever you want, however you want, including worship of Nothing, if that is your choice. Just make it in full conscience and stick to it–so if you have a sabbath, honor it, if you have laws, follow them.
If you ever, EVER try to do harm or evil–especially by breaking one of these ten-ISH commandments in God’s name, ANY God’s name, So saith the conscious Universe, I will ride your rear-end like a Harley over a field of hot coals next to a cement plant with the Lawrence Welk Orchestra on full bass and then, after that, circumstances will get REALLY bad for you.
1. Do not kill anyone. (Hey, never said I wouldn’t keep the classics)
2. Do not take anything that is not yours.
3. Don’t stalk people in committed relationships–Ok, so your neighbor has a nice posterior. She’s married. She’s chosen somebody who is NOT YOU. It’s not about forbidding to covet her like she’s a thing. It’s about NOT STALKING OR PREYING ON ANOTHER HUMAN, GENIUS.
4. Be polite and respectful to your parents and the elders in your clan. If they treat you like crap, and you know it is unjustified, make sure that they are cared for to the best of YOUR ability and then get away.
5. Stop polluting. Stop dropping trash and garbage in woods and on roadsides, don’t drive freaking SUV’s when you live in the burbs and they aren’t hybrids. And stop leaving deflated latex balloons and old TV’s full of chemicals all over the place.
6. In fact. Just stop being an insensitive, selfish, cruel wad of bat feces to anything that isn’t human. Civilization is as civilization does.
7. Do not cheat on your partner. Be honest with them and yourself and move on.
8. Do not picket Family Planning offices–you know what the one thing you’re most likely to accomplish there, Sonny Jackboots Bible Thumper? You’ll scare some church-going, married, conservative, 40 year old housewife away from getting a mammogram and her kids will grow up without her.–so she won’t be there to tell THEM what you’d prefer: NOT to use Birth Control.
9. Do NOT interfere with women’s rights and access to the following: (At minimum) Birth Control, abortion, medical care, maternity leave, breast feeding in public, equal pay for equal work, voting and oh, yeah, being able to wear what they want without declaring it an invitation to assault. And make your own fracking sammitch; she’s a four star general for Godssake.
10. Do not rape. (not as obvious as we need it to be)
11. Do not abuse, physically, emotionally, verbally, socially.
12. Do not commit acts of Bigotry.
13. DO NOT MESS WITH LITTLE OLD LADIES regardless of creed, nationality, ethnicity or geography. Son. Ma’am. Just don’t. I am doing you a REALLY big favor here.
15. DO NOT Bully
16. DO not commit, allow or encourage mass pollution–corporate, coal, oil CEOs’ politicians’ sort of decisions.
17. Do not. Ever. Suppress and or deliberately corrupt the scientific method, anyone’s history, media. Or Charles Darwin. Among others.
18. Do not discriminate or persecute any living being or human including, but not limited to, the grounds of religion, gender, gender identity, Sexual orientation (LGBTQ or Hetero), income, address, piercings, tattoos, ethnicity.
19. DO NOT commit Genocide. You Absolute Cockroach lovers. You contemptible vomitous wads. YES! YOU! AT THE BACK! You gormless, torrential spandex-and-slime-suckers. You know who you are. AND STOP MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF.
20. Denial of Genocide. Yep. You self-righhteous, lackluster, ferunculated idiots over by the coat room. You utter toe-rags. You too.
OH. And, on a tangential note: Stop killing Whales. Frankly, more often than not, they produce better quality sermons and they don’t just preach on Sundays.
That’ll do for the moment, folks. Let’s just see how we do with these. I mentioned the hot coals and the prostate-cannons and Lawrence Welk, right?